Virgo Relationships

The Virgo Woman deeply needs to benefit her partner, to sustain him, to be his all-important lover, friend, and ally. Indeed, she is often attracted to people who are in trouble, on the fringes of society, or seriously handicapped. She tends to thrive on being a man's indispensable savior or at least his full-time helpmate.

Her outstanding characteristic in a relationship is her beguiling directness, along with her disciplined devotion to her man and their partnership. She honors her commitments. She is apt to do everything in her power to make life smooth and comfortable for her lover and closest friends, to enable them to function at optimum capacity. She may be more discerning about the needs of others than about her own.

She is no clinging vine. Rather, the Virgo Woman is a commander of forces, both emotional and economic, marshaling them to attention and preparing them for action. She is strong but does not resent playing second violin if her husband is soloist or conductor. She is often at her best when her man needs her most.

The Virgo Woman has a tremendous need to criticize. She seems to have undertaken a lifelong crusade on which she leaves no stone unturned. But her criticism is more a result of an overflow of anxiety than of a deep-seated wish to transform people. It is frequently more a symptom of her restlessness than an accurate indication of another's shortcomings.

Paradoxical though it may seem, hypercritical Virgo is basically one of the most accepting of all the ladies of the Zodiac. She is consistently, deeply loyal and seldom dreams of remodeling people. She is more likely to appreciate their virtues, accept their faults, and stand up for them at any time.

The Virgo Woman can be a charmer. She is usually an actress with mimetic talents; her imitations draw people out and make their eyes twinkle. She is a one-woman union who can accomplish more than a plant manager with the mere lift of her eyebrow. She collects resources, understands how to utilize them, and is systematically able to employ them for the welfare of her loved ones. She tends to have many friends, but there are also those who try to take advantage of her. She must learn the difference between being a user (mostly in the positive sense) and allowing herself to be used. This is sometimes a bitter lesson.

Outwardly the most moderate of the true romantics, inside the Virgo Woman is as starry-eyed as any teenager. She seems like a cool customer, but romance is of the essence in her life. She spreads her rationalism over her sentimental yearnings as if she were throwing an old, gray blanket over a whinnying, exuberant, but untrustworthy filly.

Sadly, she tends to withhold sexually, and her seeming emotional disinterest often creates insecurity in others. Deep down, Virgo often fears she is unworthy of being loved—and perhaps that is what drives her so hard.


On the whole, our culture does not teach people to live vibrantly and confidently. Because so many parents lack self-confidence and the ability to express affection, their children often feel misunderstood and unloved; they grow up without adequate examples of love, self-esteem, andjoie de vivre. Beer drinking, golf games, and television can never replace a warm hug or a caring query.

Typically, the Virgo girl is excessively receptive to being "programmed." She often feels overwhelmingly burdened, consciously or subconsciously, by her family's values and demands. Usually a very good girl, she is apt to be the oldest, or the only girl in the family, or an only child. In any case, she is often the child who provides her mother and father with a training ground for their role as parents, and who bears the consequences of the classic mistakes of adults practicing the parental role.

She usually grows up strongly identified with her mother and may have trouble breaking the tie. Though independent, she tends to adopt her mother's beliefs and may later experience a severe identity crisis (age twenty-eight may be especially difficult) .

Sylvia grew up as the only child of two hardworking, wildly successful musicians. She was a spoiled child, went to excellent schools, and had the best after-school tutors, mostly in the arts. She responded well to growing pressure to please her parents, mostly in the role of a budding genius of some sort. Her grades were perfect, and she usually managed to look impeccably clean and ladylike. All in all, she seemed an exemplary child, fully in control of her gifts and destiny.

When Sylvia came to see me, she looked as if she had gone for a swim and hastily reassembled her costume on the way to my office. Gone was the faultlessly groomed prodigy. In her place was a young lady of twenty-three, nervous, unsure of herself, feeling as if her life had been a waste, a joke. This is how she described her situation:

Until last year, I was a model daughter. I did everything my parents had raised me to do: I was the wunderkind they had wanted. Suddenly, just after my twenty-second birthday, I started smoking, drinking, and wearing bohemian clothes—you know, with frills and shawls—instead of tailored skirts and tucked blouses. I stopped pulling my hair back into a tight little bun and let it grow out.

It seems to me I am entitled to a little fun and a life of my own. I am tired of living out other people's dreams. I have yet to find out what really makes Sylvia tick.

The Virgo Woman's girlhood is apt to be overloaded with "shoulds." She is very often raised to have puritanical values, taught to fit into the mold, to be task-oriented and efficient, to withhold her feelings, to fear sex and intimacy. This early repression frequently is the bane of her existence in later years.

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