Aries Relationships

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The Aries Woman usually makes a complex, demanding, passionate mate and partner. She has the potential to create a finely tuned, balanced, exciting, offbeat relationship. Like Don Quixote, she is forever searching for an ideal. Where romance is concerned, Aries believes in giving but also wants the moon.

She tends to become overinvolved with people and projects because she thinks this is giving. She may overdo to show her independence and separate identity, but her excesses may also be an avenue of escape from intimacy.

She may unconsciously desire a relationship where no one is labeled strong or weak, where each partner is a leader. "All chiefs and no Indians" appeals to her, and she may test a man mercilessly on his own leadership powers.

For the Aries Woman love is often a battleground. One can usually tell if she cares by the degree to which she argues. If she disagrees with her man over strategy, details, philosophy, love, life, and work, he can relax. This is her prelude to seduction. She more often than not gains energy from lovers' spats and the contest of wills. Watch out, however, for lack of interest or absent-mindedness, for they are signs that she is getting ready to move on.

Aries often dominates her early sexual relationships. In the first part of her life, she tends to be assertive, even masculine, and may be out of touch with her receptivity, vulnerability, and tender side. Her dependencies are usually deeply buried and may be projected onto men. While she needs proof of love from others, she can seldom ask for it or give it. She probably has not yet learned to nurture herself and others on the deepest feeling levels.

The Aries Woman, like other fire signs, tends to be loyal and sweepingly generous, but she needs partners as assertive as she is, partners who demand respect, sensitivity, and equal rights. She must be mentally sparked to be physically turned on. She usually needs lots of space, freedom to change and experiment, to set and meet new challenges. She will remain loyal to anyone or anything as long as the relationship remains exciting, as long as there is mutual respect, and as long as she feels the potential for more inner and outer territories to explore and conquer.

In love, friendship, and marriage, the Aries Woman ideally wants to be totally involved, both sexually and emotionally, but it may take her decades to find out how. Usually it is not until her thirties or later that she learns what she truly wants and needs in love and partnerships. And it generally takes her just as long to find out what she is willing to give. It will often take a wrenching effort for her to learn to replace her "me, myself, and I" mode of relating with a relationship characterized by mutuality.

Childhood

The Aries Woman often grows up identifying with male role models and is usually closer to her father than to her mother. She is often a tomboy and frequently resents being a girl. She may prefer climbing trees with the boys or reading in private to gabbing with her girl friends. All her life she may trust males more than females and feel she understands men better. When her breasts begin to develop and her fe-maleness becomes inescapably apparent, she may develop a complex about some part of her body. She may throw herself into her studies more than ever and become known as an "intellectual." Some Aries girls prefer being the class "brain" to being sexually attractive, though they may harbor a secret desire to be a sex symbol.

The Aries girl is often angry and frustrated throughout adolescence and may find it difficult to accept that she must grow into a woman, with all that means in our culture. She may be the originator of dutch dates. Conversely, she may decide to flaunt her sexuality and use men. Her hostilities may come out in attempts to dominate people or, more constructively, in various leadership positions at school.

Margaret is a case in point. She grew up an only child, the apple of her father's eye. He treated her more as a son than as a daughter. When Margaret came to see me she was twenty-four, married, mother of two children, and head of various volunteer organizations in her neighborhood. A vivacious, large brunette, she had an engaging laugh, frank and inquisitive eyes, and a nervous habit of twisting Kleenex during our sessions. It seemed to me she wanted to cry, and the wadding of tissues was as good a substitute as any teddy bear.

She had decided to seek counseling, she said, because she felt that her energies were scattered, that she was unclear about her goals, and that she was more hostile than her facade indicated.

I grew up being called by boys' names by my father. He loved me, but I had the feeling it was a conditional love. He wanted me to be outstanding in sports and in school, and the silent message was that being a girl was somehow a handicap. My mother didn't help me much either. She was busy trying to live her own life and thought I pretty much lived my own.

Well, I did have my own life, structured, defined, and fairly under control. In fact, it seems to me that my life has been overcontrolled. Even now, everything seems to be running so smoothly that I question it. I don't know whether I am bored, naive, or if I just don't recognize my own good fortune.

I have two lovely children, a good husband, and a stable marriage. I am respected by the family and people in our neighborhood. I think I am a good wife and mother. I don't think I have been a good daughter, however. I feel I let my father down because I am not "the best," a professional, achievement-oriented woman. I also think I let my mother down, for we have never been able to get mother/daughter close. She may have tried. I think I've always resented her for not giving me more mothering in my growing years.

I wasn't sure what was really bothering Margaret, so I asked for more information about her adolescence.

I was a model child until I turned about twelve. Then everything changed. My father pushed me more than ever to prove myself. I continued to get the best grades but became increasingly resentful, and I began to feel that I wasn't respected for just being me, that I constantly had to produce in order to earn his love. I rebelled by becoming very sexy. I started smoking, staying out late, and flaunting everything I had. The more unhappy my parents became, the more uncomfortable I got, but I wouldn't admit it. Something was driving me to rebellion, and it seems to me I still haven't got it out of my system.

In the course of psycho-astrological therapy, Margaret focused on what it meant to her to be a woman. She had very mixed feelings about it. She could play the roles required of her, but inside she was still frustrated and angry. She also felt somewhat guilty about it, though she pretended to dismiss this aspect with cheery Aries indifference.

It seemed to me that Margaret had never resolved her own feelings about her « sexuality and femininity. Her wild swings between being a bright student and Daddy's "son" and being a provocative, sexy high school girl had not been harmonized. She seemed to feel deep down that she had to "earn" people's love, that she had to be brainy. Though she had taken a traditional feminine route, in some way she found it unacceptable to be a woman. Daddy had taught her that to be a female meant being a second-class citizen; being playful, sexy, and sensual was rebellious behavior and carried little significance in the real world.

Margaret explored her sexual feelings with her husband. Unfortunately, he could not accept the fact that his "solid citizen" wife was suddenly questioning the validity of her way of life. Eventually they were divorced. For a while Margaret saw only women and told me later that for the first time in her life, she was in touch with all the various shades and subtleties of being female. Her lifestyle in a gay commune was in complete contrast to her situation when we first met. Later still, she remarried and opened her own business.

How the Aries Woman Relates: Lovers and Other Intimates

The Aries Woman in general relates better to men than to women. Many a romance starts as a friendship and then becomes a working relationship. She usually needs to be mentally stimulated in order to be physically turned on more than once by the same man.

The Aries Woman is capable of stripping a male of his ego trappings and the protective symbols of his masculinity. The fact that she has a female body and a more or less male way of thinking gives her the edge in getting inside a man. At her worst, she may use what she knows to control and dominate him. At her best, she can build a rare camaraderie with him.

She needs a large arena to show her strength, and she would rather risk a loss than not try at all. She usually needs a partner or lover who is active and involved or she may have trouble respecting him; and she may also want a basis on which to test him other than his performance in bed.

The Aries Woman tends to be intensely competitive with those she likes or loves and to disdain losers. This combination puts her, as well as those she relates to, in a double bind. If she wins, she may lose respect for a friend or lover and end the relationship. If she loses, the same thing may happen for different reasons.

Like a spoiled child, she wants her way and wants it now. She is arrogant, frank, and inquisitive. She usually wants to be reassured by the man she has chosen that she is first and best, and she shuns a relationship in which she feels unappreciated or without control.

She respects power more than submissiveness, bluntness more than discretion. She demands a lot, gives some, and will always try to win. Until she finds true love, she often gets her greatest pleasure from hunting and being in control. She frequently enjoys putting the moves on and pursuing her quarry. She may think nothing of going after a man, and she gets a kick out of running everything, even the lovemaking. But much of this behavior may be bravado or acting, almost a challenge to herself—a self-focused training course in how to overcome and win.

A principal trouble spot for Aries is likely to be her partner's resentment at her attempts to run the relationship. She is almost always mystified and challenged by, yet fearful of, people who can see her vulnerabilities. She may secretly want a man who will discover, explore, and love her hidden self, one to whom she can surrender—but when she finds him, she will almost surely try to dominate him, outwit him, and fight him to the utmost!

The Aries Woman in Love

At the beginning of a romance, the Aries Woman can intrigue and attract almost any man. She has unusual charm and magnetism, a penetrating mind, an appealing, fresh honesty, a strong will, and a powerful "aura."

She is usually perceptive, honest, disdainful of pretense. She deals directly and tends to confront men about hypocritical attitudes, sex roles that create inequality, and habits that result in boredom and the deadening of relationships.

The Aries Woman usually falls in love easily and is often more in love with the idea of movement and excitement than with the man himself. Sometimes he may be incidental to her needs, just a temporary partner in a sexual adventure currendy labeled love.

She may find it difficult to discriminate between long-lasting love and infatuation. Since she tends to resist deeper self-knowledge, she is frequently victimized by her own misconceptions. I have met Aries women in their forties who admit that they know little about their underlying motives and still make choices as impulsively as ever. If she is lucky, the Aries Woman finds a man with whom she can settle for quite some time. If not, she is bound to experience a variety of upsets in her love life, though these seldom block her quixotic search.

When she is lastingly in love, the Aries Woman blooms like a rare flower. She glows with vitality, elan, and pride. Her energy doubles (if possible), and her happiness is infectious. For probably the first time in her life, she begins to know the pleasure of being receptive.

Aries in love is compelling, throwing herself totally into the experience. She may go through a very basic réévaluation of herself and her values as a result of love. She opens her senses and feelings more fully. She may become more patient, sensuous, and self-indulgent. She is also apt to indulge others more and become tolerant for the first time. Her perspective of time changes as she begins to understand why so many people enjoy luxuriating in the moment, how lovemaking can slow one down and be all-encompassing. She may try to live a more unscheduled life and enjoy the fact that there are no deadlines in love.

Aries in love learns how to give as well as how to receive. Love teaches her how to consider another's needs and feelings as important as her own. At the same time, she may learn to allow her individuality to bloom in the hothouse atmosphere of sharing. She is apt to have distrusted partnership previously, fearing it would bar her individual progress. Even when she is in love, the Aries Woman is unlikely to lose sight of her demands. She wants and needs a very particular type of man in order to make the relationship work in the long run.

What Kind of Lover She Needs

A man who isn't completely sure of his masculinity and strength should probably not tangle with the Aries Woman. A man who is not willing or ready to confront issues and emotions should also avoid her. On the other hand, a man who is aware of his own humanity and above all wishes to be challenged in order to grow is invited to enter a relationship with Aries. A man who offers her emotional support, who helps her to admit and embrace her weaknesses, who truly wants a woman with the potential to be a whole, independent being—this is a man the Aries woman can love and who can keep her forever as a lover or friend.

Everyone needs lovers and friends who provide bridges to feelings that are waiting to be freed. The Aries Woman needs a partner who can tolerate psychic warfare, one who accepts the energy of anger and assertion as easily as the energy of love. She needs a lover who can see behind her mask of toughijess to bring out the softness underneath, a man strong enough to be sensitive, a man who is threatened neither by his own dependence needs or by her projected ones.

To love the Aries Woman means to perform a constant balancing act between her demand to be first and the demands imposed by work and by other intimates. In return, however, she can raise a man's spirits sky-high. The lucky man who survives the initial testing will be made to feel he is the most special creature walking the earth. And in the heart of his Aries Woman, he surely is!

Patterns in the Aries Woman's Sexual Relationships

In her sexual relationships, the Aries Woman tends to display the following patterns (which, to some extent, apply to platonic ties as well).

She probably dabbles in early sexual experiments. She may be a tomboy or be "masculine" in her thinking and at times in her clothing, but she is always vital and magnetic. She is likely to be fascinated with sex and consider it as much a female as a male prerogative (this view may be ahead of the times).

She often marries early, impulsively, passionately, and to the wrong man. She is bound to give it a valiant try, however, and may stick it out because of a sense of responsibility. She may also feel she is teaching herself a lesson in patience (this is not necessarily the best means, in my opinion).

Often she finds that love and sex do not necessarily coincide in her life. If she is happy with her mate, she is bound to be monogamous. If not, she is bound to play around but less likely to experience guilt than many women.

The Aries Woman is likely to experience true love at least once in her life, often in a premarital or postmarital context. She may choose a husband who is not her romantic ideal but is a good provider.

She is usually able to find solutions to problems in her lifestyle. She may be involved in a fulfilling career and use it as an outlet for love problems. She may be able to change enough to make her marriage or relationship work.

If she divorces, generally she allows herself a good long time before tying the knot again. She tends to enjoy her freedom and likes to operate independently.

What Aries Needs to Learn

The Aries Woman needs to confront her own tendency to repress weakness and make others responsible. She must stop testing her men and begin to assume half the responsibility for failure or loss of direction in the relationship. She must avoid blaming the man she loves for not being "strong" enough. She needs to learn to listen more sensitively and to become more patient. Above all, she must be aware of and overcome her tendency to disclose only so much and to try to control much more.

To make relationships work, she must live and let live. She must learn to respect and accept another's rhythm, pace, melody. She must eventually learn that she can be receptive without feeling inferior, soft without succumbing to weakness, and undemanding without fearing lack of response. When she learns to flow, when she realizes that letting it happen is often better than making it happen, relationships will work.

To be truly autonomous, the Aries Woman must recognize and open up the repressed feminine side of her nature. To be truly strong, she must recognize and embrace her own vulnerability. Slowly she must look inside and see that what usually underlies her frantic pace and her demands is the fear of letting others in, the fear of letting go emotionally. When she feels safe in a relationship, she may be ready to initiate some changes. She may then give in to her need to be taken care of, to be stroked, to receive gifts of love and fantasy to weave into new patterns.

The Aries Woman must learn to ask for love and assistance when she needs it. She finds it easier to ask for practical help, though this too may be a minor blow to her pride. But asking for emotional support she may consider tantamount to admitting that there is something fundamentally wrong. Fire signs who have high energy patterns and live by constantly running, giving, controlling, and seldom receiving can burn out too early.

The Aries Woman who does confront her deep fears and who begins to share without resistance may be pleasantly surprised. She may find out that what she called love or friendship until then was only an imitation of the real thing.

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