Aquarius Relationships

The beauty of love is that it encompasses everything. The problem of love is a problem of the soul.

The Aquarius Woman has many relationships in her life, few of which could be classified as truly close, intimate. She is conservative; thus, she wants love, a primary bond, and more and more a meaningful career. She is also avant-garde; thus, she wants to explore her own full potential and anything that helps her to attain it. She is the last woman to conform to anyone's expectations of old-fashioned femininity, which is far too limiting for the modern Aquarian.

She is a strong woman of fixed opinions and rich assets. One of her assets should be a good education. She finds it difficult to change and to be vulnerable; yet she can be highly altruistic, even self-denying. She is sometimes as lucid and open as a clear pool; at other times she is closed, her arms wrapped around her like protective shielding. She both wants and fears intimacy. She wants it as part of her joy and growth; she fears it because of her resistance to risking exposure and giving up control.

She is a many-faceted prism finely chisled to varying depths. Her mind is her greatest attraction. It can be as brilliant as a crystal, as luminous as the full moon, as opalescent as pearls. Her body is often not as pure, for she frequendy neglects it. Her spirit is wide open, reaching to the stars for insight, unusual information, and knowledge. Her soul is often more barren, parched for vibrant, spring-fed mutuality, for easy exchanges of interest and hope that are rich in feeling.

The greatest challenge for the Aquarius Woman is to conquer her fear of exposure and vulnerability. She cannot attain happiness in relationships until she confronts it. She will try various avenues of escape: work, humanitarian involvement, protection and love of animals, study, multiple relationships. In the end, she must recognize that the total evolution of a human being cannot occur without letting intellectual knowledge penetrate the layers, all the way to the inner recesses of the heart, where knowledge is transformed into caring and compassion.

"All's equal in love and friendship" is her motto. If she carries out her obligations, she feels, the relationship will tend to take care of itself. She is typically slightly eccentric, nevertheless—in her own way a devoted mother, wife, and friend, responsible and unusually imaginative. She can be the life of the party, the one with the humorous, odd ideas to make any social occasion memorable. Children adore her, responding to her zaniness, her willingness to share ideas and to treat them as complete, albeit smaller, human beings. She loves to inspire children. She teaches by the inductive method, challenging them to ferret out answers to some of life's questions for themselves.

"You do your thing, and I'll do mine," the motto of the Big Sur scene in the 1960s, later adapted by a large segment of the human potential movement, would please the Aquarius Woman. Deep down, she would probably prefer to be left to her own thoughts and devices much of the time. She wants to run her own life and cannot abide anyone telling her what to do. She does not expect her mate to order her around, nor to interfere with the essential pattern of her life. This often gets her in trouble with macho men who simply cannot understand what game she is up to. It is no game; it is the Aquarian nature to strike a silent bargain. The terms are: she will do all she feels is necessary to be a good wife, mother, partner, or friend; in return, she expects to be respected, understood, and supported without in any way being restrained.

The Aquarius Woman is the best of friends in the worst of times. You can count on her to be there when you really need her. But don't count on her to cry with you, not even to carry a hankie in case you need it. She is unlikely to be too emotional, to get so involved as to actually feel with you. She is bound to lack empathy, though she will learn to be sympathetic mostly as a social skill. Putting herself in another's place is not her forte, but leading the way out of trouble, lecturing all the while, is.

She might tell a friend in trouble "I told you so." Her self-righteous attitudes often hurt the feelings of more sensitive, self-castigating souls. She will probably find it hard to understand why people accuse her of being aloof, even unfeeling, for to her, matters stand as they stand. She can even dissect affairs of the heart with her mental microscope, and she masters the intricacies of the rituals that bind people. She fre-quently has astonishing insight into human relations, but she exercises it as if she were sitting on a hilltop watching with binoculars from across the road.

She probably won't volunteer much information, either about herself or about her analysis of people. She may consider it rude to speak of intimate affairs. She is likely to think that asking you how Fred reacted to your going back to school is too personal a question; and she is sure that if you want to tell her something, it won't be necessary for her to ask.

Her imagination covers a wide scope. It is delightfully free of traditional female or male limits. She won't confine her thinking to decorating or cake mixes or her love life. She will mentally roam the pampas of scientific research, Chinese history, Italian art. She most likely is interested in the stock market, scientific inventions, the change in the world's climate, and why people consult faith healers. Far-out subjects such as astrological birth control may interest her, and she is likely to blurt out in the middle of dinner that she has decided to train herself for out-of-body journeys.

She seldom shares her thought processes with intimates, which often proves very frustrating to those who are innately possessive and curious. She believes in fair decision making and fair fighting, so she tries to do better in these respects. She is usually clever and articulate, but she must not take her own communication skills for granted. Those with which she was born must be developed and constantly upgraded in order to help her make relationships work.

She behaves with extreme inborn courtesy that may verge on disinterest. She won't push people to report on their own motivations or life plans. She assumes that people know what they are doing; she often does! She believes in getting expert advice in everything. She is as likely to explore real estate investments with a paid professional as she is to discuss psychological problems with a psychologist (though the latter goes somewhat against her grain of independent thinking). She believes in leaving her personal problems behind closed doors when she ventures out in public. She tends to be a remarkably controlled and compartmentalized person.

She believes in some absolutes, above all in the right and wrong of any matter at hand. To her, there is always one best way, and it pays to observe her formulating her conclusion as to which one it is. She gathers her data by observation, reading, and experimentation, nearly scientifically; feeds it into her mini-computer; weighs every aspect; and finally consults potential supporters as well as potential enemies of her emerging plan. And once she makes up her mind, heaven help those who disagree. She is capable of very cool, dispassionate displays of anger calculated to reduce the opposition to total capitulation.

She is very fond of animals, and though she lacks warmth, she is highly hospitable. She is traditional enough to believe that certain things are done in certain ways, and among the things that should be done just right are entertaining and welcoming people. She has a sixth sense about which people will fit into her life and which will not, but she is usually a flawless hostess with flair who appears to judge everyone equally. She is often more comfortable at social gatherings of moderate size than in an intense tête-à-tête that requires self-revelation.

She is ambitious and generally needs an outlet to express her humanitarian ideals and boundless mental energy. She can benefit from being a perennial student. She may be very psychic, and if so, she can gain from learning techniques to use her psychic qualities advantageously. Her open mind endears her to friends, and she has an intriguing, quixotic, almost modest brilliance. She must be willing to open up and increase her ability to feel, to express emotions (eros) along with ideas (logos), and to be aware of the inevitable pluses as well as the minuses in her relationships. She tends to be an optimist, expecting free-flowing give-and-take; she must learn more about what it takes to maker her love relationships work.


The Aquarius girl usually has a closer link to her father than to her mother. She tends to respect his typically more logical and dispassionate approach to life, and she is drawn to his authority and power. She often develops a crush on her father and distances herself from her mother. Her feelings for her father must be resolved by the dme she begins a potentially long-term romance with a man.

Over the years, I have heard many Aquarius women tell me that they idealized their fathers and had trouble being close to their mothers. Invariably, these women had problems trying to find a male who lived up to their expectations. A few rejected their father after a period of teenage adoration and consciously sought men who were visibly different.

Katherine illustrates the first case. A lovely, long-legged blonde in her twenties, Katherine came to see me because she was considering divorce. The older of two girls, she had adored her father and been his pet. She was never close to her mother and in fact had resented her mother for interfering with her consuming love for her father. Katherine's father, a successful small businessman, had devoted his after-work hours and weekends to pleasing Katherine.

The bubble burst when she was fourteen. Her father lost all his money in a business venture. Her mother went back to work, and he started keeping house. Katherine was blissfully happy, for she imagined that she would now have Daddy to herself full time. However, Daddy soon started drinking and grew increasingly depressed. Though Katherine was growing up, he insisted on buying her stuffed animals (she never knew where he got the money) and speaking to her as if she were still eight years old.

The crisis came when Katherine discovered her father eavesdropping on her as she returned home from a date at age sixteen. They had a huge fight. Her father had been drinking, and he said things he later regretted. Katherine, in turn, found out that her father carried only one picture of her in his wallet. It was a picture that showed her at age eight, a lovely litde girl wearing a pink ballet tutu. Shortly after the fight, Katherine's father suddenly died of a heart attack.

She told me the following:

I suppressed my anger at my father, and after he died I continued to idolize him as I had when I was still a child. I looked for a young man who would give me the same adoring, fan club-like support. Eventually, I turned to older men who had money, had been hurt, and wanted to cater to a spoiled young woman. I played surrogate daughter to dozens of middle-aged men. Eventually I married Sam, the mildest man of all, twelve years older than me.

Now the marriage is on the rocks. I never finished school, and I don't know what I'll do to survive by myself. But I can no longer live on illusion. Sam has neither the strength nor the emotional honesty to grow. I've outgrown him. I hope I am finally ready to let go of being someone's little girl. And I've just recendy begun a dialogue with my mother. She turns out to be a sensitive, strong person herself.

Katherine felt a lot of hurt, anger, and ambivalence about her father. She loved him, yet he had confused her and let her down, even by dying suddenly. She wanted to marry a man like her father, and in Sam perhaps she did. But then her needs changed. Sam, still the mild, adoring man he had been, was no longer enough to help her sustain her growth, her emerging confrontation with her adult self. Her father's business failure and sudden death, which she had minimized for many years, cast a long shadow. She seemed, in effect, to be looking for Sam to fail also. Realizing the pattern, she wanted to break it by divorce. Eventually, Katherine and Sam decided to try for a reconciliation.

The more the Aquarius Woman is able to blend her emotions with her intellect, the happier her love life will be. The more conscious she is of her complex, idealized tie to her father, the more likely she is to adopt a healthier pattern with other males.

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